HAS A FINE EXCHANGE.

Officially, a new week has begun. My girlfriend's summer vacation is over.

It feels like the end of an era.



We ended our vacation together by attending my girlfriend's niece's seventh birthday at a local Bones restaurant. It's the first time I was out at a larger-scale event (four kids, four grown-ups including me) and I had to walk a considerable distance to get there, but it all went well and it was actually nice, being out with other people, eating at a decent restaurant and just... managing day-to-day stuff in a new context. I'll never be great with kids, but today wasn't my worst attempt, so there's that. laughs



Back home around seven in the evening, I spent the evening editing our novella, arranging for a future write-in for the writing Discord I'm part of (late October, just in time for Writember) at our apartment and going to bed at a decent hour - although the restlessness of the day and the week that's waiting ahead ensured I didn't sleep until, like, an hour later. Then, I woke up an hour after that, needing to use the bathroom, and now I'm up because the apartment is boiling hot and I'm thirsty as always. Stupid meds.

So, I guess I'll sit up the next half hour at the least, trying to calm down enough to sleep, finishing my glass of sparkling water, and then I'll go snooze on the sofa until it's time to get up again, relatively early, so that K. can help me get my compression socks on.



I'm listening to a soothing piece of piano music by the female composer, late 19th century, French, Mel Bonis' Desdemona, just running it on repeat and it's so nice. I started out listening to some Lindsey Stirling, but when I'm in this kind of mood, her dubstep vibes are just too much out there for me. No, old classical stuff works better. If not this, then Chopin. Beethoven or Bach. However, it is always a rare treat when it's a female composer, same goes for one of my favourites, Cécile Chaminade. However, the stuff by her that I usually listen to is a bit too stormy, too.

This hits the nerve.



I'm at that stage in the process with our writing project where my brain tries to pick up new ideas and I'm determined not to give into it this time (although I usually jump around a lot when I feel like this). I really want to finish this as timely and orderly as possible and to do that, I need to stay 100% focused. I'm hoping we can have a publication out before New Year, if all goes well with our beta readers, or otherwise - very early next year.

That will be a year after my leg injury. Kinda wild to think about.



I had a talk with K. about the outdoor training I've been signed up for, and she is nervous it's too big a demand to make of me. We both know my foot needs it and it is probably necessary for insurance stuff and such, too, but I am still double-affected, both by my physical health and my mental one and hospital and this whole rehabilitation process has only been focused on the former. For a long time, I've dealt with that as I best could, trying to accommodate to help my foot heal, but I think it's beginning to take its toll on my mental health. I am very stress-sensitive. I have social anxiety. Outdoor training is a group activity - which I have to ride the bus for, which is anxiety-inducing for me even when I'm not physically handicapped.

It was a good talk. I felt very seen. But I also feel very trapped by this whole system in place around my rehabilitation. I feel very... forced to do as they expect of me, because otherwise I'm not doing everything in my power to get well again. But I am! Everything in my power just isn't what a normal, mentally well person could do in the same situation.

No one seems to think about that.

However, we decided to still give outdoor training a go. I'm trying to take the bus to the stop I'll need to get off at on Tuesday with my assisted living person, so I know the trip back and forth. And I'll continue to try walking more and more, with and without crutch. That's really all I can do. If it doesn't work out, we'll see what can be done from there.

K. says that worst case scenario, we'll buy private physiotherapy to make sure insurance can see we're doing everything we can.

But I still don't want it to come to that. I think it's unfair. I'm fighting here. I'm literally waging a war against both my head and my body, and no one seems to consider at least one of those adversaries as relevant to how I'm progressing.

So frustrating.



I'm also anxious right now. I should probably take something for that, but I only have one pill left and not going to the doctor to be able to make a refill until the 14th.

That might, however, be a problem for tomorrow me. Right now I might have no other choice.

Always seems to be the case, to be honest.